Do you know how old you are? A public service announcement

Scene:  Men in their late twenties and early thirties at a sports bar, it’s obvious some are married and escaping the marital bonds to be guys; and the others are on the prowl using their married friends as wingmen.  The married friends obviously need some continuing education classes on the subject. 

Ominous voice over:  The guys are out… the wings are hot, and MMA is on the screen.  Its going to be a good night, then the wingman gets ready to set the ally-oop  up with the girl across the room.   ::screeching stop:: HE IS WEARING AEROPOSTALE  he looks like a balding teenager! Mayday Mayday!! This is going to be an EPIC FAIL! The girl looks at the group of guys and retreats to the oasis of the ladies restroom.  She sends out the “Pocketbook Holder” all is lost.  The wolfpack retreats and licks its wounds only to miss again.  ::pause:: Do you know what you wear says about you?

Ok people, after having witnessed this hilarious and epic fail at the local watering hole, I feel it is my obligation to publically state for the record the rules of casual men’s wear.  It is GLARINGLY OBVIOUS that people do not know when they look a hot ghetto mess.  I know some of you who are following my blog may not know my credentials (1^st thanks for following… tell your friends… I enjoy reading some of your blogs too).  I am a graduate of American Eagle University (don’t laugh it is real thing) and I worked for GAP INC. (yes all the subgroups of GAP), and I can make a mean Mint Julep, which as everyone in south knows makes you an expert on every subject in existence (up next nuclear physics and world peace).

….. A reading from the book of Isiah….. Harper

1: Thus sayeth the Lord God: Thou shall not wear gym shorts  In Public after the age of 22 unless you are going to, are in, or coming from a gym.  You look like a douche.

2: Thou shall not wear cargo shorts for a night on the town, or on a date, or to your girlfriends mothers house, or to your girlfriends grandmothers house or anywhere your girlfriend, or the woman in your life might be. For Cargo means Camp.  (Think Salute your Shorts Camp Anawanna )

3: Thou shall not be over embroidered… for ones sexuality might be questioned.   ( side note: I don’t care too much for this rule… I look good, but I also have the ‘tude to pull it off).

4: Thou shall not have an abundance of T-shirts with crude sayings, beer logos, Scarface quotes,  or anything else that may have been left over from your middle school, or your high school or your college days.  For the Lord God finds this to be an abomination in his sight.

5: Thou Shall not wear Aeropostale after 18 for thou would look like a middle schooler .

6: Thou Shall not wear AE and AF after 26 for thou would tell the world thou has a Peter Pan complex.

7: Thou shall not wear PACSUN after 25… because its just sad….

8: Thou shall not wear designer billboards in bright colors, because it feels it gives you social status… it doesn’t unless you are on the Jersey Shore, and then we wonder what happened to you as a child and why you feel the need for such attention.

9: THOU SHALL NOT WEAR SKINNY JEANS! ( no this is not hate) but really… unless you have a 2 inch peter and microballs… I don’t see how this is even appealing.

10: Thou shall not wear the rosary as a fashion symbol… you just look dumb as all out hell.

A reading from the Lord …..

And gentleman here is one final word of advice as you are getting yourself dressed in the morning… How you look tells people how good you are going to be in bed. If you look like a teenage boy… you are telling her you are going to screw like a teenage boy, but if you look like a grown ass take charge man… well… you get the point… Happy Shopping.