Do you know how old you are? Part II: A Public Service Annoucement.

Scene:  Women in their late twenties and early thirties are at “the Applebee’s.” You can tell some are married, escaping the yells and screams of kids and their husbands at home.  They are with their “single by choice”, and “delightfully divorced“friends for a girl’s night on the town.  Someone had a tragic run in with a flat iron.

Ominous voice:   Its girl’s night out… the martinis are fruity, the voices are loud and there is a bachelor party in the backroom.  It’s going to be a good night. The purse holder gets her affairs in order as one of the divorcees attempt to reel in groomsman.  She stands up… walks over ::SCREECHING NOISE: OH NO!! THIS CHICK IS WEARING SKIN TIGHT LEAPORD PRINT AND CANDIES!!! SHE CAN BARELY WALK! This is going to be an EPIC FAIL! She gets to the room and forgets there is a step and she trips!!  A loud guffaw exits the room. Doused in bottom self appletini she becomes the purse holder :: Pause::  Do you know what you wear says about you?

Ok so maybe it didn’t happen exactly like that, she didn’t trip… but she did have an epic crash, and she was baptized in a cheap apple martini  at “the Applebee’s” (side note:  Why do I always get gift certificates to “the Applebee’s?”  I know I am black, I know they have a rib basket that’s good, but sometimes a brother wants a gift certificate to Bed Bath and Beyond… just sayin’).  It is my hope and prayer that she finds herself after  the designer cocktail baptism born again in a covenant with Tim Gunn to help guide her to a more stylish life.  To help her and all like her, I would like to share this text.

A reading from the book of Isiah …Harper 2:1-10

1: Thus sayeth the Lord God.  Thou shall NOT shop in the junior department, nor at Hello Kitty, nor anywhere cheap jewelry or tween clothing is sold.  For if thou does thou will wander the desert manless for years, and will destroy thy petite frame with Hagen Das.

2: Thou shall NOT shop at Rave, nor forever 21, nor at city trends for their clothing is cheap and made of plastic.  And if worn after the age of 22 is reminiscent of clothing worn by “lose women.” 21 is not forever, but God has provideth with something that is: Macy’s.

3: Thou shall NOT wear large  prints that resembles the likes of  beasts of the land, nor the fowl of the air, or any other creature that belongs on a Discovery Channel special.

4: Thou shall NOT covet thy girlfriend’s designer handbags, nor shoes, nor blouse, nor dress, and copy it with cheap imitations. For anything fake is an abomination to the Lord, who brought you out of the land of Wal-Mart into the land of Prada.

5: Thou Shall NOT wear something just because it comes “in your size.” For truly I say unto thee the sequined leggings in size 22 is shameful.

6: Thou Shall NOT wear pants that produce muffin tops… because surely the button may pop and become a weapon of mass destruction.

7: Thou SHALL NOT wear tracksuits in public, unless one is in, going to, or leaving the gym (ESPECIALLY of the velour variety).  People, (and by people I mean me) will laugh at you if you are under the age of 60.

8: Thou SHALL NOT have words juicy, sweet, wicked , nor the images of cats or apples or anything else that can be used to describe a fruit or lady of the night printed on thy rear.  It is just sad.

9: Thou SHALL NOT wear anything low cut to thy boyfriends house, nor thy boyfriends grandmothers house, or anyplace a where a matriarch would say “get this ho out my house.”  Nor shall you wear white, sheer, or semi sheer clothes with colored undergarments. For verily I say unto thee it says I have daddy issues and require a man’s attention.

10:Thou Shall NOT wear Birkenstocks, or tevas, or any other “camper” shoe outside of the campsite… it will cause men and some women to question.

And ladies one final word as your getting dressed this morning.  Asking guys to appreciate your efforts in looking younger GREAT! Asking them to appreciate your efforts in looking youthful…. Statutory.   At a certain age… you just need a grown ass woman.   Real men embrace it… so should you.